Kratos's Chibi Adventure!
by hootforwords
Summary: This is what happens when you mix beer, God of War, Madlibs and Cardcaptor Sakura fanboys/girls with a LOT of free time.
1. We Sing

Once upon a time there was a penguin called Pingu

I do not own God of War or any characters from the game. They belong to Sony Computer Entertainment.

Once upon a time there was a Spartan called Kratos. He was a very cute and adorable Spartan. He loved eating a lot of sushi and sashimi. To him it was very delicious, and one of the most delicious food in the world. He could not go a single day without consuming the yummy and tasty treat of raw fish sliced and diced to perfection. No one else could comprehend his strange habit of eating so much food in a day. In fact, most of his friends regarded him as a stupid weirdo who needed to be sent to the mental hospital for medical treatment. He was, in fact, diagnosed with a rare form of schizophrenia known as Kratotitis malanitis, which is very common among warriors that live near ice things such as Mount Olympus. There was a rumor going around that the disease was extremely contagious, and it would spread to all the other Spartans in the city. So they locked him up in a room with no doors and threw away the key. He was very sad until a magical fairy opened the door with her magic wand and the little Spartan soared out, accidentally trampling the poor magical creature in his way. Meanwhile, Kratos ran into the meadows where he decided to pick all the daisies he could find. In five hours all the daisies were picked and the cute little Spartan was happy. But just then the daisy-loving society of wacky people came to look at the flowers, and when they saw our hero had picked and effectively killed all of daisies they screamed bloody murder and ran to kill Kratos. Luckily the cute adorable Spartan successfully employed his kungfu moves he learned when he was travelling to Turkey and he learned the art of drunken taichi. In effect all the daisy loving freaks were killed by a karate chop to the nose and the Spartan managed to escape unscathed. The magical fairy's husband, who was very sad that Kratos had killed his beautiful wife while she was setting him free, chose at that very moment to exact mortal revenge upon the Spartan by casting a banishing spell on our little hero. The spell would open up a miniature blackhole within the body of Kratos, causing his matter to be sucked into an alternative dimension where he would never ever be seen again. Due to the internal nature of the spell, it was virtually inescapable. Fortunately for Kratos the fairy was hit by a low flying baseball that was hit by Babe Ruth from the 1960's, thanks to another naturally occurring dimensional rift that opened adjacent to the unlucky fairy. Kratos then ran to the supermarket where he bought a thousand dollars worth of chicken soup. But the strange thing was that our hero did not have any money on him when he made that purchase as all his money was taken away when his evil friends locked him up previously if you had forgotten that had happened just a while back. The store clerk was later fired for accepting used toilet paper in exchange for actual currency. Kratos used the chicken soup to feed all the homeless people in the village nearby, who then thanked him by giving him a key to then city, which was made of solid gold and silver. Kratos, the cute adorable philanthropic Spartan, then took the key and sold in to the pawn shop where he made a million dollars thanks to the current market rates for gold and silver amalgams. He used the cash to purchase the home which was previously resided by reknowned American poet, Emily Dickinson. He stayed in the home for approximately seven weeks before deciding that he would prefer to own a bGod of Waring ball made of beef dipped in raccoon saliva, which caused the neighbours to throw him out of the neighborhood and burn the offending meatball. Homeless, and penniless, the Spartan that used to be a millionaire now went to the city where he found a job working at the Wal-Mart that was built almost a hundred years ago. He was mainly responsible for rearranging the furniture whenever a customer messed them up. Unfortunately the job for so boring until he accidentally set the frozen peas on fire, which caused a gas explosion in the Sahara desert that, in a bizarre chain reaction, caused the moon to fall down onto Kratos's car, which he bought after he made a million dollars juggling the combusted frozen peas in the nearby circus. Moneyless, carless and foodless, Kratos ate an apple that he bought with the money he got from stealing the tires from people that didn't like tires. He then moved to Hawaii where he picked coconuts and ate pies during the day and became the amazing Kratosini, the smart and clever superhero at night. At this time though his insurance company claimed his premium had recently expired and that he could not afford the strawberry iceberg that was floating in the Pacific Ocean and sank to the bottom like a piece of concrete tied to a giant boulder tied to the most unfloatable piece of metal ever created. Then Ares came along and the story became a little more complicated.

To be continued…


	2. We Dance

I do not own God of War or any characters from the game

I do not own God of War or any characters from the game. They belong to Sony Computer Entertainment.

So anyways Ares comes surfing into the narrative on a pancake riding on a magical rainbow wave while holding a strawberry lollipop because all Greek Gods love strawberry lollipops. Kratos, who was extremely jealous of Ares because he did not have a lollipop, attacked Ares with a broom made of cheese. Ares retaliated with a taichi move from a Jackie Chan movie, and the two created a mini battle of cute little warriors. The people of the island of Hawaii appeared and instead of stopping the fight they started taking bets and cheering the two little fighters for more brutal moves. Suddenly a demonic fairy from another dimension appeared and casted a friendship spell on the two of them, making them turn into best friends and stop fighting. They shared all their desserts from now on. Meanwhile, before the fairy could unleash a devastating wave of evil fire magic to roast our heroes alive, he needed to go to the bathroom. So he went back to his evil fairy cave, where the portal to our world disappeared and he was not seen for another billion years. Meanwhile the two newly acquainted friends flew to Toronto, which I think is in Canada but it could be in New Zealand because my geography stinks, but they were in Toronto and it was very cold. Suddenly a fair maiden holding a bucket of milk walked by and spilt the milk on the highway, causing a motorcycle to fly up and hit the flying duo into a nearby lake. Since the lake was covered in a thick layer of ice their descent was extremely painful. So they went to the nearest pharmacy where they bought some pills which they thought were painkillers but were actually pills to make your teeth look pretty. So they were still in pain but they had really pretty teeth, and they were screaming their lungs out when Tyra Banks stopped by and noticed how their teeth looked so pearly and nice and declared them as Canada's Next Top Models. So they got a cover shoot for some dumb teenage fashion magazine and a modeling contract and a bunch of all dumb things such as lipsticks and mascara which they sold on eBay for six dollars and twenty seven cents. As they were taking pictures they started pining for a really good pecan pie and they ate it and it was so delicious they ordered a few hundred more. After eating all the pie their teeth became so yellow and they became so obese that Tyra Banks fired them and found a new model made of cardboard. Meanwhile the recently laid off Spartan and God of War were stranded in Canada or New Zealand with no cash and no place to live, so they decided to juggle computer screens in a nearby computer store to earn some money. Unfortunately Ares was too dumb and dropped all the screens on Kratos's foot, who then dropped all of his screens onto Ares's head, who then got revenge by clubbing his face with a bowling ball. They were sued for property damage and were forced to pay the computer store approximately a billion dollars, which they did not have. So they ran off on a rocket powered skateboard and were chased out of the country which is good for me because now I can finally know where I am. They went to Australia where they saw a lot of cows, which they thought were very smelly, so they moved back to the good old USA and stayed in Kansas where the tornado that took Dorothy on a ride to Neverneverland caught them in the face and blew them to Greece. There Jigglypuff said that all Spartans and God of Wars were considered evil and ordered their executions before he realized he did not exist in the scope of this narrative and faded away into oblivion. Meanwhile all the Greek people wanted to chop them up into tiny pieces because they were sick of eating olive oil and wanted to try something new with olive oil because all olive oil combinations have been attempted and they were sick of it. So Kratos and Ares decided to unleash the awesomest power of Girlicious on the people, causing them to want inexplicably to buy the perfume merchandise they made when they were on CNTM. When they sprayed on the girly perfume, the release of gases caused a massive whole in the ozone hole at that particular spot, causing the UV rays to shine onto the radiation converting machine and it exploded into candy. While the people were deciding what to do with all the candy, out two brave heroes made their way to Italy which my mommy told me was next to Greece but I haven't checked the map so I'm not too sure. In Italy they ordered some spaghetti. It was delicious. Or was it?

To be continued…


	3. We Steal Things

It was

It was. Anyways, Kratos and Ares then decided it was time to include a new character into the story and that was none other than Athena (sorry Bedwina). Athena was a beautiful mythical being that caused most people to just succumb and fall into the mud everytime they saw her. This was mainly because Athena had a rather offensive BO problem. Because the writer is currently experiencing writer's block, he mystically decided to erase the entire universe that he had written using a vortex of unspeakable power, one that would take everything from this current universe and plant it into another dimension. Here, the sugarplum fairies, aka the writers of , would put their collective minds together to create a tale worthy of literary prize. This would be accomplished using their vast imaginations, a lot of coffee and a lucky rabbit's foot named Benny. The finished work would be published in various magazines around the world, where billions of people would read and be awed by the superb narrative. They would demand more, and more and more, and the sugarplum fairies would be delighted to appease their wishes. Working night and day, the fairies shall toil over more stories to satisfy the public's thirst for their work. Kratos, Ares and Athena will be forever immortalized in a book, several spin-off movies and a long lasting television series. This is what they forever dream of as they wander around following the whims of invisible writers who consume certain substances that shall not be named. At this point the writer of this narrative snaps out of his whimsy and realizes that the writer's block paralyzing his imagination can no longer be suppressed by inane descriptions of non-existing literary creatures writing stories on his behalf, and rather than put Kratos, Ares and Athena into more inane adventures than Harry Potter on crack, he shall now place them in a retirement home in Alaska, where they shall live out the rest of their imaginary lives comfortably and coolly. And that, my friends, is that. PS. Sorry to Athena for not giving her enough (any) writing time. I understand you have waited a long time to appear in the narrative, but I don't really care. Goodbye.


End file.
